it's worthless, helpless, sick

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 03:54:43 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I ...

We should never have bought that house. Dragons, it's going to kill us.

[Filter: Ally]

Er, hello! We, ah, just got in now. I hope you weren't getting worried, haha ...

I need to start making plans, huh? I can't believe how quickly time went by. Is there, er, anything in particular that you want to do tomorrow?

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:52:11 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I've barely given a moment's thought to that ... proposition.

Possibly because I really don't know where I'd even start to consider.

Obviously, I'm not happy with what the church has become. I wouldn't have turned in my robes if I were. Obviously, I think they could stand to have someone keeping them in check.

But I've heard what the Talons have done. They've hurt people, people who haven't deserved it. That's not what I want, either. That's ... that's the last thing that I want. I know enough about them to know that they and I have nothing in common except for that one ... very large ... thing.

So why am I not just telling her that I'm not interested?

... well, I know why. I'm ... holding onto hope, that there is someone and something out there that could change things. I want there to be a way for me to still serve while not hating what I'm a part of.

I know the Talons isn't that. I know it.

But just saying no ...

It feels like ... like giving up an opporunity I've been waiting for. Whether it actually exists or not.

... I don't want to go home.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 04:29:05 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I really am looking forward to it. I can bring my work and get some things done, and I can ... just spend some time with him. Alone. Without ... without having to worry all the time, about being seen or being heard or letting myself go too much ...

~~I just wish I could stop feeling as if I'm doing something wrong~~

... haha. What am I saying? I'm ... doing so much wrong I couldn't even put together a full list ...

What right do I have to want to feel innocent?

[Filter: Ally]

Er, Ally ...

Hah, I'm afraid I'm going to be leaving you again, soon. Er, but don't worry, I'll be back in time for your birthday.

Thu, 28 May 2009 03:28:07 GMT

[Filter: Ally]

Er, well, I'm back in Lucre tomorrow, apparently. I'm sorry we took so long, but, er ... Destin is fairly convinced that this is going to be the best thing for me, having this place to work, and it was all I could do just to make sure he didn't push me into any rash decision, haha ...

But, ah, I guess we're buying it. Which is ... it's nice. It really is.

Er, but that's not all why I'm writing. I just wondered ... did you want to do something, tomorrow? I, er, well, I'd really like to see how your dance lessons are coming along, assuming you're still sticking to it. Elizabeth's crazy ideas, haha ...

Fri, 15 May 2009 04:46:05 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I know what he said is true. It's a lot safer than what we have been doing. Dragons, is it ever ...

But it still feels so ... it feels as if we're asking for trouble. It's a place where it's tempting to just let everything go, and that's just not ... er, well, haha, that's just asking for trouble! All it takes is one mistake ...

... but it's true what I said, too, isn't it?

People are ... so easy to fool.

[Filter: Destin]

Well, er ... from first impressions, at least, I ... it's nice, isn't it?

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 04:28:22 GMT

[Filter: Destin]

Er, well ... haha, as good a mood as that put me in, it really didn't help. It seems that no one on here has any insight they want to offer on the fine art of summer house buying ...

I don't know, what now?

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:56:54 GMT

Er, well, I have a ... an open question, for the Megami members of the journals. I ... er, well, I've been interested in purchasing a summer house by the ocean and I'm ... not really sure how to go about starting to look for one.

Does anyone ... ah, have any insight? Er, I'm sorry to pry, but ...

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:56:35 GMT

I ... actually miss it, this time of year. Most days, I think I did the right thing, for me, leaving the clergy. But there's something about the Days of Radiance ...

Er, sorry, I don't mean to ...

At least I can enjoy the services from the pews. That is nice, haha.

To those of you who are working hard to make it all perfect, I, er, hope you don't manage to completely drain yourselves. Haha ... save some energy.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:39:43 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Dragons, I can't believe I'm going to do this. I can't believe I'm sort of looking forward to it ...

Haha, well, I'm sure he'll appreciate the humour. And hopefully the food ...

... I'm glad we're doing it this way. I'll feel ... er, better, about things, if I'm not fretting about it all day. ~~I don't know what~~

I just ... don't want her hurt. Dragons, how have I wrapped myself up in this so that there's no way to not hurt her? ... just keep going.

[Filter: Ally]

Er, Ally! I know last year I came to see you early, but I thought, maybe this year, later would be, er, better? For dinner.

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 06:19:41 GMT

[Filter: Private]

It's ... easier, with her, if I just think of it as ... friends. I'm her friend and I care about her and this is what she wants so I'll do it for her. Isn't that ... what I always do? What I've always done ...?

Haha ...

I should at least make sure she doesn't break her back or ... or light herself on fire again, preparing ...

[Filter: Ally]

Er, Ally ...

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 04:38:17 GMT

[Filter: Private]

~~... I'm going to need to ask her to~~

... Dragons, I can't.

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:17:18 GMT

[Filter: Private]

For the person who I should be with, I get a bunch of lies ... for the person I shouldn't, a promise of eternal love.

Dragons help me ...

... he makes it sound so cut and dry, so simple, but ... well, I can't just marry her. That's a promise before the Dragons, not to mention something that lasts forever. A commitment to lie for the rest of our lives, I just can't ...

I'm not Destin. I wouldn't be able to hide it forever.

I miss wanting to be near her, talking ...

I don't want to think about this. Not today. It's the Festival.

... I hope he likes his gift. Everyone, but especially him.

[Filter: Public]

Haha, er, I see some people have been writing about it already, but I don't think you can ever have too many well-wishes, ah, personally, and ...

Well.

Happy Festival, everyone!

Er, Ally, I need to come over later to give you your gifts, and see you ... ah, I don't want to interrupt anything you might have planned with Sister Darcy, or anyone else, so, er, I ...

When would be a good time?

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 07:24:01 GMT

[Filter: Private]

She's so happy and this is all a lie.

I shouldn't --

[Filter: Destin]

I shouldn't be doing this to her.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 05:31:03 GMT

[scrawled quickly]

Er, Ally, sorry, we're just about to leave, packing has been utterly crazy, I just want you to know, we should be there by the end of today ... maybe tomorrow morning, haha

I'll come see you as soon as I'm set up at the manse

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 01:56:42 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I ... do miss her. Not that seeing her will help it, becuase I don't ... I don't miss the her that I left in Lucre. I miss just talking about anything and being friends. I miss not dreading being around her ...

What was I thinking, trying to use her to make myself into something that

What am I going to do?

[Filter: Destin]

... I need to leave for a bit. Back to Lucre ...

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 21:10:20 GMT

[Filter: Destin]

... I suppose I've avoided asking this on purpose, so far, but it's on my mind all the time, these days. Er, I don't ... you know I don't like knowing that's going to happen. I liked to have plans, and ...

I just ... want to know what now. What's the ... plan, I suppose ...

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:41:03 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I miss

I should do something nice for her birthday.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:01:17 GMT

[Filter: Private]

At least I've gotten a lot of work done.

[Filter: Destin]

... I miss you.

And, er, I hope you and Maire are ... actually enjoying yourself. ~~... or~~

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:19:35 GMT

[Filter: Private]

... sigh.

After everything ... knowing for so long and not really caring, why am I jealous, now? I know she means nothing to him. I feel bad for her. I just ...

I suppose it's just ... she's with him in front of people, living with him, and it's all right, for her. It's ... it's all right. It's normal. People are happy for them and congratulating them, and even though it's all just a lie ...

I never asked for any of this.

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:58:00 GMT

Dragons, everything is so busy ...

Er, Destin, William wanted me to tell you that he and Sheila may be a little late for the reception, they, er, have to duck out between that and the wedding ... but I'm sure he only means five minutes, or ... er, or less, really ...

[Filter: Ally]

... Er. And, ah, I realize this is ... very short notice, but ... would you like to ... accompany me, to the wedding? I won't be able to sit with you for the ceremony and might be occupied for the reception, but ... er, maybe we could ... go for a ride through the city, afterward ...?

Fri, 09 May 2008 06:39:37 GMT

[Filter: Private]

... I'm over my head, with her. So over my head. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I have any choices. This is so wrong, everything is, and I ...

I need to know ...

Haha, pathetic ...

[Filter: Sister Maire]

Er, you must be getting very excited. The wedding is so soon ...

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 12:34:07 GMT

[Filter: Private]

It's nice to be back, and to not be fighting anymore. It really, honestly is ... Home doesn't feel like home anymore, and it hasn't for a long time. Whatever corruption is here in Lucre, there's also so much good and it's such a beautiful place, and I'm ... used to it.

And Destin ... even if he's spending so much time with Maire and Elizabeth and the wedding, it's nice to see him. ... ah, it's actually probably a good thing that he's so busy, I ... can't help but think that he'd be more ...

I ... need to be happy with where I am. It doesn't matter what we're doing, I should be ...

This is what I have. Destin and whatever this is between us. I love him, that's what matters. That's what I have.

Haha ... that and a lot of work to do. I should probably stop writing.

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 06:11:05 GMT

[Filter: Private]

~~I should~~

I wonder if he even cares.

I miss him. What does it matter? Maybe he is right about all of it? Maybe this is just how it goes. There's other sins, other sins that I don't feel nearly as bad for, maybe this isn't about the Dragons at all, maybe this is about me.

I ... I want to be happy.

I miss him ...

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 09:31:17 GMT

[Filter: Private]

I hate seeing him upset and not saying anything. I hate ... fighting, with anyone, but with him, especially. I should just ... just end this. He won't, I know that. He never would, he never does, with anyone. It'll need to be me, but ...

At least I'm on speaking terms with my father, again. That only took ... half a year. Dragons ...

I really should say something. I need to.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 22:20:51 GMT

[Filter: Private]

Ugh, it's been a month, almost. I should talk to him, at least. I should. ... and I should have at least talked to Ally before I just left Lucre like that.

Maybe he's right about all of it.